i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
