everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
