One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
