My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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