I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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