The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
