Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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