also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
