dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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