hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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