I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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