2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
