Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
