Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
