my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
