come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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