we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
