I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
