3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
