a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
