I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
