ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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