and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dignity is for republicans.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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