You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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