everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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