Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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