I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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