turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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