We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
