I'm jealous of your bromance
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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