areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
