He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
