Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
