my vag is so smooth its legendary
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
