You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
