I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
