I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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