No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
