my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
