So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
