the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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