i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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