I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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