I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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