One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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