there's paper in my vomit.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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