Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
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I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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