The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
