I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
