NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
