If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
A+ Viking dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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