How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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