the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
