Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
